Adventures, Tater Tots and a little Flavor of Love

“Start at the beginning!” “Yes! And when you get to the end, stop!” (The March Hare and Made Hatter from Disney’s Alice in Wonderland)

I’d say that’s some good advice coming from two lunatics… from my favorite movie of all time (alice in wonderland). Therefore, I think I’ll take their advice and start from the “beginning” of my post-college life.

First off, I moved 3,000 miles away from my hometown (and, subsequently, my college town) to the great city of San Francisco in search of a job and an adventure.

So far, its been an adventure but its been lacking in the J-O-B department. I have an interview tomorrow and I am praying to God that this one works out. I’ve done the interview preparations, reworked my resume about a dozen times, and I’ve changed my destination city twice. At first, right after doomsday, aka my college graduation on May 20th, I really wanted to move down to the OK city of Washington, D.C. Don’t get me wrong, its obviously a decent place since I was adamant about moving there for about three months. But, things didn’t work out and, when I visited San Francisco while moving my sister into college, I realized that SF was a little hipper, a little less pigeon-holey and a little more west than D.C. So, I moved out here, stayed with my aunt and uncle in Menlo Park until I found a place in the city, and eventually transplanted my whole life to San Francisco. Actually, that’s not really accurate. I plan on doing a road trip with the rest of my wonderful stuff, along with a few of my best friends (just coming for the ride) from CT to CA after Christmas. We’ll probably have to deal with the whole winter weather thing in the middle of the country, but it’s a small price to pay for such a fantastical life experience. (BTW, who lives in the middle of the country? If you are out there, and have access to a computer and maybe some dial-up internet, could you get in touch with me? I have a feeling that people from both coasts have NO idea you all even exist. Oh and PS, if you are in Iowa, please vote for Obama – I am a lifelong Republican who messed up (twice) in the presidential elections and am going to make up for those faults by voting for Barack (he is the real deal.)

Back to my story. I’m also leaving behind my parents, my dog, my cats, my grandmother (one of my closest confidantes), my mimi, my friends, NYC (the greatest city in the world and, quite possibly, the universe), and my perfect home in Fairfield and my PERFECT beach in Rhode Island. (Shout-out to *******, except I refuse to name the beach community for fear that another yuppie douche will see it , buy a house there, demolish it and spend two years creating a really ugly, over-sized McMansion, a la High and Dry – the ugliest home in *******) Those are all the things/people I will miss. Things I will not miss: snow, road rage, snow, people from Westport, the Seagrape Café, snow, and all my douchebag ex-boyfriends.

Yes, I’m growing up… even waking up to go biking across the golden gate bridge at six in the morning and volunteering for oil spill beach cleanups. All in all, I’d say its been a good thing – minus the job search. I’ve been patient and have had two offers – one in DC and the other in SF – but I’m getting sick of it. Maybe it’s my fault but I am confident (I think) that I’ll end up a successful CEO of my very own company someday. In fact, that’s the only direction I can really see my career path going. All in good time.

There. You have it. Now I’ll stop, because that is my story. Next, its on to ANYTHING I want to write about. Feel free to comment but let’s not get carried away. Get your own blog. Or don’t, I really don’t care. I’m doing this because it seems to be very therapeutic for my dad and, seeing as I received control-freak tendencies from both he and my mother, I think it might help me too.

In all seriousness, I want to become a successful businesswoman, eventually running a marketing/pr empire that provides me with an income large enough to allow me to shack up at the Ritz-Carlton, San Francisco, for the rest of my life. (Stay there once and you will understand.) (Hey, is that an endorsement? Hmm… Ritz-Carlton, call me. Or don’t. No, but seriously, I think I should get SOMETHING)… Alright, let’s move on because it probably won’t happen.

Soooo what is the DEAL with Britney Spears? Man, she used to be a hero of mine and now I can’t bring myself to actually buy her new album, out of fear that it’ll go straight to booze and drugs for her and soda-filled bottles for small fry and tater tot (Perez Hilton, while a little over the top nowadays, was DEAD ON when he nicknamed those kids.) Here’s my two cents: Britney, stop being crazy – it is unattractive and you can’t live by trying to get away with inappropriate behavior just because you were a child star. And get new hair extensions because you’re BUGGIN THE WORLD with those things. Also, you know you’ve lost your mind when KFED is a better parent than you. Oh, and do something about surrounding yourself with yes-men – maybe drop that whole act because its really trashy and it’ll probably end up killing you. Literally. How scary is that?

Phew, now I wipe my hands clean of talking about Britney. I just had to do it because I really really loved her back in the day (and, if you are into comedy like I am, you would know that yes, back in the day refers to a WEDNESDAY – Dane, call me. I could barely hear the jokes on your new album with all those idiot girls screaming. Plus, saying fuck a million times isn’t comedy, its annoying and uncomfortable when I’m trying to hang out with my dad.)

Speaking of comedy, you will come to know and understand my deep love for stand-up. I truly intend on going to as many comedy shows as I can now that I’m in the city. I highly respect anyone who has the cajones to go into that industry. Sidenote: I met Dave Chappelle this summer outside the RITZ CARLTON GEORGETOWN (call me ritz – you know you owe me now) and he was THE BOMB. I taught him how to use his iphone and he even complimented me on my iphone’s cover. (Apple, STEVIE BOY CALL ME, I heart you and the iMac commercials but WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THOSE STUPID iPHONE COMMERICALS WITH THE IDIOT WHO USED IT TO REMEMBER THE NAME OF HIS GIRLFRIEND’S BOSS? It’s the iPHONE, not the loserPHONE). Dave was not very pleased with the fact that I only had Jerry Seinfeld and Dane’s albums on it, but I can’t help it if he goes nuts and zips off to Africa instead of making an album. SO yeah, Chappelle was great and he didn’t mind my butting into his chitchat with his buddies (thanks for introducing me, Dave, you are great – LOVED the race draft bit, so funny).

Anyway, back from that eight hundred sentence tangent (and, yes, I exaggerate Dane, and you will come to love it). I enjoy comedy and anyone who can make me laugh OR anyone who I can make laugh. In fact, if I didn’t want to be a bazillionaire by the time I’m 35, I would do standup comedy. I’d just have to work on my public speaking skills, NBD. Funny, as a communication major, you’d figure my PS skills would be the bomb but, unfortunately, they are not.

That’s neither here nor there. I think I’ll stop writing now, seeing as I don’t want to be one of those people who doesn’t shutup. So, if you liked this blog, just WAIT until I get into important things, like my personal choice candidates for Dancing with the Stars (how is that show the highest rated show? Who is watching this crap?) I probably shouldn’t really be talking, either, considering I actually attended a college party for the season finale of I love New York last year AND I can't seem to pull myself away from the tv when there's a Flavor of Love marathon on VH1. It just goes to show that the network execs believe the 18-34 year old audience has a collective average IQ of 10. What's worse is that NO ONE seems to care... and we buy into it. DOESN'T ANYONE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS? If you do, let me know. But I must jet, the Real World crew is deciding whether or not Trisha is going home and I CANNOT MISS IT. Tootles.